


Of freshly cut grass, pine trees and home

by well_of_sapphire_fears



Series: The Dictionary of Me [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ? - Freeform, Bang Chan-centric, Character Study, Gen, Insomnia, Insomniac Bang Chan, Overworking, Swearing, i'm just soft for Jeongin, more like exhaustion tbh, nothing new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22604794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/well_of_sapphire_fears/pseuds/well_of_sapphire_fears
Summary: Chan's been so busy lately, so stressed, he's on his last legs and he knows it. His body aches all over even though he had no time to work out, his throat is sore and he barely talks outside of schedules, trying his hardest to save his voice for their concerts. He stumbles a lot more often than usual because his sense of balance is lost under the dizziness and whenever he stands up his vision goes black around the edges so he has to stay completely still for a moment just so he doesn't collapse.But he's been like that ever since he can remember. What changed is-Jeongin.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Yang Jeongin | I.N
Series: The Dictionary of Me [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1500344
Kudos: 113





	Of freshly cut grass, pine trees and home

**Author's Note:**

> It’s been a stressful week and my insomnia got so bad I’m probably running on a total of 12 hours of sleep in the past 5 days, so sorry for any mistakes. I wrote this at 3am. Maybe I'll go back and edit this after I've rested a bit.
> 
> It’s also – a happy birthday to Jeongin? Not a proper one, because I am unable to write anything but angst but I wanted to include him anyways. Our baby turned 20 today after all. I hope he had a good day.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

There's a clock in the corner of the room, a small black and white thing Chan hadn't noticed before. Now, when it’s the only thing he can hear as he lies in his bed, it’s infuriating, the rhythmic ticking making him feel like he’s going to go insane any minute now.

He should go to sleep.

Chan's been so busy lately, so stressed, he's on his last legs and he knows it. He's body aches all over even though he had no time to work out, his throat is sore and he barely talks outside of schedules, trying his hardest to save his voice for their concerts. He stumbles a lot more often than usual because his sense of balance is lost under the dizziness and whenever he stands up his vision goes black around the edges so he has to stay completely still for a moment just so he doesn't collapse.

He knows that his body is giving out so he did not protest when after they got to the hotel early, Felix just stated during dinner "Chan-hyung is going to his room now to rest". No one said anything, not even Chan as he uncharacteristically quietly got up and left for his room. He can be stubborn as a mule and he may be the oldest of their members now, but he’s not stupid. And no one wants to make Felix _really_ angry, even just for their own sake.

That's how he found himself here. Alone in his and Changbin's room, settled into his soft bed. It's only 10pm - so early Changbin probably won’t come back for at least 2 more hours. Chan hasn't gone to bed this early probably in years but he knows he needs this, knows he needs to take care of his body to be able to perform.

And yet. He's unable to fall asleep.

He's so tired it's like he's going to be sick any moment now, his eyes dry and itching. His headache is like a huge hammer banging on the inside of his head, every hit timed perfectly with the tick-tock of the clock.

Chan just can’t stop _thinking_.

The thoughts keep swarming behind his eyelids whenever he closes them, about everything and nothing at the same time. About the concert rehearsal, about that funny banner he saw in New York. About the songs he really should finish soon, with the deadline getting closer. About today’s interviews and the previous ones as well. Everything and nothing.

Complete and utter bullshit, this is. His body is failing him, and he knows he'd most likely faint if he tried to work in this state, but he still _can't sleep._

Fuck this. Fuck loud clocks on hotel walls. Fuck insomnia. Fuck his stupid mind fixated on that one sentence he said in the interview two days ago that wasn't grammatically correct – a whisper of if he can't even do that, speak English perfectly when it's his native tongue, then what's he good for? Felix is so much better than him. Who is he even kidding, he can’t speak English nor Korean properly and yet he wants to call himself a leader of-

Oh, just shut _up_.

He has an impulsive though to just get up and start working out. If he collapses then his body will finally, finally get some well-deserved rest it needs. It’s not a smart idea and he chases it away quickly, but it just serves to make him even more annoyed. Honestly, anything will do, just to shut his brain off for some time.

Chan doesn't swear often but really - fuck it all.

Chan rolls over onto his stomach, presses his face into the sheets and yells.

It's muffled by the pillow or at least, he tries to muffle it but it's still loud enough to be heard clearly. The floor is taken by Stray Kids and their staff, so he probably did not disturb anyone who could complain to the hotel authorities. It’s fine.

Or rather it would be fine, if he was alone. And he _is_ the only person in the room, but it suddenly dawns on him that apartments in this hotel are connected and the two owners of the other room are Jeongin and Jisung. The only two members who like going to bed early and fuck, Chan really fucked up, probably woke them up and scared them and-

"Hyung?" A tentative voice breaks the silence. Chan wants to ignore it so much and not have to deal with anything. He could just lay very still and pretend he already fell asleep and simply say that they must've imagined the weird loud noise if they were to ask about it the next morning.

He can’t do that. He probably wouldn’t allow himself with any other member, but with this one it would just be unacceptable.

Chan rolls over and barely supresses a wince at the different aches in his body. He should probably smile. “Yes, Innie?” he says, smoothing his expression and keeping his voice gentle. He’s angry at himself, he’s not going to take it out on their maknae.

Jeongin is standing by the door that connects their rooms. His eyes are open wide and observing him attentively, but he’s wearing pyjamas and his messy hair is still moist, so he must’ve gone to bed not that long ago. Chan opens his mouth to apologise for waking him up, but the younger is faster.

“Can I sleep with you?”

That- That was definitely not the question Chan expected him to ask, so there’s a few moments when they just stare at each other silently before Chan’s brain reboots.

“Sure…?” comes out of his mouth automatically. His tone is unsure, confused but this is Jeongin. There’s no way he’d say no to such a request.

Chan scoots over, still puzzled, but knowing that if Jeongin has something to talk about, he’ll spill it by himself, and the boy comes closer before laying down next to him. They’re in a single bed and it’s a tight squeeze – their shoulders have to touch or they would fall out and even if they do that it’s not completely comfortable.

Jeongin stays silent, his eyes closed. It seems like he really just came here to sleep in the same bed as Chan so the older glances at him out of the corner of his eye before returning his gaze to the ceiling.

His brain still won’t shut up.

There are only two members Chan would say he met when they were children and coincidentally, they are the same two who are sharing the next-door room now. The others had been teenagers and adults, not fully grown or confident in themselves but with their personalities mostly fleshed out. Chan likes to think he helped them all find themselves, but there’s just some parental instinct he still has for that two. A pride he got to watch them grow up.

It’s Jisung, because even though back in the beginning he used to build this huge persona of spite and energy and talent, Chan thought he had been just a child playing adult, trying to hide how scared of everything he’d been behind that mirage. Chasing after dreams bigger than himself and trying to seem mature in a country he had to navigate by himself after not having lived here for a long time. In some ways, he reminded Chan of himself. Maybe that’s why he took him under his wing so many years ago and why he’s still so protective of him.

And there was that Jeongin from Busan, with his mop haircut, wide eyes and crooked teeth. A small scrawny boy with a thick accent who used to stumble and trip in the hallways all the time. He had no confidence in himself back at the time and it took a while and a lot of effort on Chan’s side to bring him out of his shell and show him what he could achieve if he only believed in himself.

Sometimes, when Chan looks at him during concerts and performances, he’s struck by how much he’s changed. His teeth straight and shiny after having the braces taken off, his hair styled and his posture – all straight back and lean muscle. He’s even taller than Chan now and he’s still growing.

But the most jarring difference is not his body, it’s his confidence. The boy that used to cower behind Chan’s back during monthly evaluations is gone and, in his place, stands a young man, proud of his skills and achievements. There are still times when he need reassurance, but he’s no longer afraid of the world the way he was before. Chan’s proud of him.

Jeongin has grown up. He’s turning 20 soon, after all.

The younger suddenly moves and Chan quickly reaches out to steady him, thinking he must’ve started to slip off the small bed, but he stops when he realizes that’s not the case. Jeongin is rearranging his body, curling into a small ball by Chan’s side. Then, he puts his head on the elder’s chest and finally settles.

Chan freezes because- Because Jeongin is not a cuddler. He doesn’t initiate hugs often, usually only when he’s overwhelmed with happiness or crying. They’re not the way he likes expressing himself and the members respect it. Seungmin especially likes to tease and torment him a bit but they all know the boundaries they won’t cross.

So. Jeongin doesn’t hug people often. He also doesn’t sleep in the same bed as the other members and cuddle with them and Chan doesn’t quite know what to do. In the end he settles on petting Jeongin’s mop of hair gently, trying to show how grateful he is for this, whatever this may be.

“Goodnight, hyung.”

Jeongin has always smelled fresh, like freshly cut grass, or pine trees and they’re so close Chan can clearly smell it now. A clean, sharp scent, present no matter what body wash or shampoo he used. The familiarity of it makes all the tension and anger seep out of Chan and his body finally relaxes, remembering all the instances he breathed in this particular smell. They’re good memories.

Jeongin’s hair tickles his nose and the bed is definitely not made for two people, but… It’s _warm_.

“Goodnight, Innie.”

Chan falls asleep to the smell of pine and the warmth of home that came to him in the shape of a young almost-20-year-old boy.

**Author's Note:**

> It's a romantic vision, this one. I've never had someone to cuddle with at times like these, so I'm not sure if it ever actually helps, but a Jeongin hug definitely sounds great right now.
> 
> Hope you had a nice day. Thank you for reading.


End file.
